Happy Monday internetters……. so once again we’re back to written text and no pictures to look at. This contribution was donated by yet another work colleague (no submissions yet – c’mon surely someone has something publishable??). These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination.” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
Some really wonderful insults there – for me they say much more than a stream of 4 letter abuse.
Have a Happy Monday (hey they should name a band that )
Anyone else got that Friday feelin’ or is it just me, the weekend starts looming up and we can start chilling out………. Anyways back on topic, have you ever sat a Maths exam when you get the stupid question “find x” where you’re supposed to take the time to find the value of X, showing your working out and how you came to the answer you supplied? Well this picture is from an exam paper where I’m guessing they either didn’t understand the question, didn’t know the real answer – or perhaps just didn’t care enough……..
Find X
Hell this guy or gal is my hero/heroine for actually answering the question in the way we all thought about doing, and to mark it zero sucks hey they found X just not the answer the examiner was looking for……
Today is picutreless and movieless so I am going to rely on good old fashioned written text, these are quite old, but still hilarious, enjoy them.
Man says to wife ‘I had a wet dream about you last night, I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I pissed myself laughing’.
A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger. He said ‘try rubbing toilet paper between your tits, it’s worked for your arse’.
My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients, it’s a real shame cause he’s a really good vet.
Woman walks past a pet shop with a sign reading ‘For sale clitoris licking frog’ She goes in and the shopkeeper say’s ‘Bonjour madame’.
Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much, it scared the s**t out of me. So today I decided I’m never reading again.
Little girl gets lost in Tesco’s, security guard asks her ‘what’s your mum like?’ Little girl replies ‘Big cocks and vodka’.
A couple in a cafe in Llangollen asks ‘Can you settle an argument for us and pronounce where we are, VERY slowly?’ The waitress leaned over and said …….. ‘Burrr gurrr king’.
Boss has to lay off Ann or Jack. Ann walks into the office, boss say’s ‘I have a problem, I have to lay you or Jack off…..’You better jack off, I’ve got a headache’.
Larry la Prise who wrote the hokey cokey has died aged 93. The worst part was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in, then the trouble started.
Paul McCartney poem-: We lay upon the grassy bank, my hands were all a quiver, I slowly undid her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river.
Sorry I haven’t been in touch, a friend was rushed to hospital to have a dangerous mole removed from his penis…… he won’t be shagging one of those again!
It’s important to keep fit as you get older, my granny started walking 5 kilometres a day when she was 60. Today she’s 97 and we don’t know where the hell she is!
Tampax have replaced the string on their tampons with a piece of tinsel…. They say it’s only for the Christmas period.
A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy. Doc say’s ‘that looks nasty’. She say’s ‘Nasty?, it’s just the tip of the iceberg!
Two newly weds turn up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite, the receptionist asks ‘do you have reservations?’ The bride answers ‘Yes, I won’t take it up the arse’!
Hope you enjoyed them – If you have any material that you think is great drop me a line at the email address below (submissions will be credited to the respective person or persons with a shiny link if you have a site too), please remember altho I’m fairly broad minded there is some material I wont publish (but you can still send it )
So back to the funnies, you had some cutesy last week, and that’s pretty much all the cutesy you’re gunna get (for now!).
This clip arrived in my inbox curtesy of a work colleague, the video carrys a miller lite slogan, altho I really dont know if thats original with the canned laughter?
Anyways here’s the video, you guys decide for yourselves
So as always feel free to subscribe to the RSS feeds, and have yourselves a fine day.
Huh, what is it with you internetters? my inbox used to be stuffed full of jokes, comic photos etc, some rude, some unpublishable (is that a real word? hell I dunno) but recently you guys have all gone “cutesy” – fluffy animals & pets doing funny things, some even photoshopped to look cute – you dont need to shop them – kittens (to a vast number of people) are cute!!
So as I like to cater to you all, no matter how weird your preferences, here are a collection of the fluffy things you sent me (no, this doesn’t mean I’m getting all soft I’m just catering to everyone) ……..
So this beauty landed in my in box thingy a while back (during my blogging absense), and it gathered a little dust before I discovered it again whilst doing a clear down of mails – so I figured now would be a great time for you guys to watch.
As with all movies that get posted around the interweb there’s a story that accompanies it and yeah I know what yer thinking “KT dont be so gullible those stories are a load of bullshit” but this story does kinda fit with the movie. Enough of the introduction, here’s the story:
Picture this, you’ve just started Texas Tech University (is there such a place?) as a freshman – You are soooo proud you’ve been chosen to pump up the crowd as the schools bell ringer during the big American football game (I say American Football – cos being English – Football is a totally different sport) your whole family, all your friends and about 15 million ESPN viewers see you on the Saturday’s telecast ringing the team bell…
But due to the tragically unfortunate placement of the bell, the camera and your body your whole family, all of your friends, and 15 million ESPN viewers, see this instead…………..
Priceless – absolutely bloody priceless, this one makes me laugh even now and I’ve watched it like 1000 times. Okay so it’s potentially rude (if you get it, if you dont then hey you got to watch someone ringing a bell for free!) but hey what can I say ole KT is back to his old ways.
Finally all the hard research has paid off, and we have been given approval to announce that drinking can give the same benefits as Yoga (nope seriously).
So lets start with Savasana
Our guide (who am i trying to kid eh – I glummed this from wikipedia) says: Savasana “Corpse Pose”, alternately spelled Shavasana or Sarvasana, and also known as mrta-asana is a yoga asana often used to begin and conclude a yoga session. It is a relaxing posture intended to rejuvenate one’s body, mind and spirit. While savasana is a good way to reduce stress and tension, it is not recommended for meditation as it has a tendency to induce sleepiness. If afflicted by drowsiness or restlessness of the mind while performing savasana, increase the rate and depth of breathing.
Lets check out the picture evidence:
Our researcher is on the right in this picture (in case you couldn't tell)
Next the Balasana:
Wikipedia says (see how I’m not even pretending we have a guide to follow): Balasana, or Child’s pose, is a Hatha yoga posture. The name comes from the Sanskrit words bala (child) and asana (pose). Balasana is also known as Child’s Resting Pose.
Now the evidence:
I think our researcher (on the right) really nailed this one!
Now for the Setubandhasarvgasana:
well Wikipedia doesn’t even have a write up for this, so I’m gunna trust my text: This position calms the brain and heals tired legs.
The piccy:
Hmmm note the half arsed effort on the left, our guy really bends that back and really goes the extra mile to relax.
Next the Marjayasana or better known as the Cat Pose:
Now I struggled to find a definition that wasn’t 20 lines long (I’m sure your not here for the dictionary definitions anyways) so on with the research:
A good effort by our researcher, a clever use of a bench to aid posture!
Onto the Plow or Halasana: Halasana, or Plow pose is a yoga posture in which the practitioner lies on the floor, lifts the legs, and then places them behind the head. The name comes from the words hala (plow) and asana (pose).
A real sterling effort in this one:
Again note the clever use of surroundings to improve posture!
Now some wildlife (the Dolphin) the real name I have no idea! so finding any info on it was a struggle, best left to the notation I have: Excellent for the shoulder area, thorax, legs and arms.
Almost there, just a little more flex needed - important to note our researcher (again the right hand side) had the forethought to bring a friend in case he was sleepy from the Yoga and needed carrying home!
More Wildlife – The Locust or Salabhasana Salabhasana (”locust pose”) is a yoga posture. It is a form of back bend, or spine stretch, using the strength of the upper and middle back to lift the weight of the legs as high as possible from a starting position face down on the floor. Most people find Salabhasana to be a very “strong” i.e. difficult and challenging posture to practice, and as such it not only improves flexibility and coordination, but also has strength and stamina benefits.
Now most will notice that we got the bend slightly wrong, but really we must give 100% for effort he tried so hard and came soooo close.
I feel I should point out at this point our researchers were getting a little tired, and more props were being used (purely to aid posture I should add)
So onto the Ananda Balasana.
Not sure what the left picture is attempting, she doesn't seem to try to get the legs far enough forward, now our guy has 100% perfect posture.
finally the Malasana Apparantly tones the body and builds flixibility and helps get rid of stress.
The final photo.
Hmmmmm, not sure, she looks just a little stressed to me! but on the right well thats a different picture - not a care in the world!
So there you have it, next time you’re out having a few jars, just think how relaxed you are, and very soon how much more relaxed you could be.
Have a good one.
/Kiss This
Hey I kept it clean, this is a fine day after all!
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